I wish I weren't as troubled as I am.

Its not often that I cite people but one of Nietzsche's famous quotes comes to mind today... He said that to live is to suffer but to survive is to find meaning to the suffering.
I find that I constantly put myself in a state of sadness to make myself accept the truths of life. But there has always been a sense of purpose and understanding that went hand in hand with the feeling of dysphoria. Today I'm not dejected or bleak on purpose... today I feel helpless.
The state of my country troubles and baffles me to no extent. On one hand we see progress where NGOs and Organizations are working towards making us a more developed and prosperous nation whereas on the other hand I see that we are more despicable than ever before.

To say that we did not see this day coming would be to shield ourselves from the blame completely. No child, no woman, no human should be treated as an object and hurt. How is it possible for you to express the need for change but not actually change?
It boils my blood to watch news that tells me that a woman and her five year old girl lying dead on a highway would not be helped by anyone, to read that a five year child has been raped so bad that she probably will not survive the  assault, and see that the ones meant to protect us would rather brutally assault us when we ask questions.

How do we remedy and fix this situation, how do we watch silently and endure the trauma because no one will come to our aid, how do I give hope to my children and the generations to come that things are amazing or that the future is something they need to look forward to?

Where is our pride? Is it in our army that will  discriminate  and abuse their power? Is it in our leaders who will to no end argue that theirs is the right path while they secretly rob us of our rights? Is it in the common citizen who puts up a brave front and hides behind the security and comfort of his home while his neighbor is blemished?

These questions can be debated for hours on national television and brandished as irrelevant or the media's gateway to better TRPs, but facts remain and we as a nation today have degraded to merely organized animals; to call ourselves educated or empathetic or even humans for that matter would be a joke.
This suffering has no meaning... This suffering I do not need and do no want to endure. This suffering makes me feel helpless.

Unsettled.

More than often I seem to find myself crawling back to the old.. to the more than vaguely familiar. Life hands these moments over to me at times when it would be easier to just take a step back and wait till everything settles down. It may all trickle down to a simple thing like my age or where I am as a person at this point... but this seems to be the recurring theme of my life. An uncomplicated 'Yes or No' more than often can tumble my very conscious upside-down.

Old habits die hard? there could not be a better subject matter expert than me! Over the last two months I've worked exceptionally hard to pull myself out of the mess that I had spun around myself; the last week though has successfully managed to produce a fork in my road once again. Just the thought of going back to what my life was like before scares me more than a one-eyed clown hiding under my bed.
So what is holding me back from changing?
The familiarity of it all... the evil little voice at the back of my head that voluntarily validates things that would bring about the destruction of me.

This place has always been my biggest enemy. People should not be allowed to even think things that generate seeds of doubt in their heads. And me voicing my thoughts and fears has only helped me sink further in to the mess than I normally would.

Orwell had it wrong... Sometimes the only way to remove an evil is to destroy all traces of its existence; to banish it from our lives and leave nothing of it to be buried.

The Day the World Ended. (NOT)

So I've decided I'm gonna be super annoying today keeping in theme of the topic!
I vaguely remember wanting to write about something a few minutes back but I was busy caressing my sweet sweet ego by checking out the people who have been checking me out. I'm just super cool like that...
God damn it I have a low attention span!!

I guess I'm just gonna tell the super awesome mystery readers about what I did today... oh and if you started reading the piece thinking it had something to do with the title I suggest you stop right now.

After years of trying to figure out where my life was going and what I wanted to do with it today I finally decided that I am gonna write children's books!
It was only a matter of time before my awesomely preppy (most of the time) personality met with my horrid story telling skills and came up with something completely perfect to shape the minds of our future generations... Let me give you thumbs up on what to expect soon....
My first book... and I'm so so proud of this one... is a heartwarming tale of a six year old's journey to discovering his mother's hidden bottle of Rum in a box of cookies and warming his heart. :')
*sniff!

The second one is meant for young readers and explores the scintillating world of Bitch Slapping people. So if you guys are interested I think its time that you wire me your money... I accept real currency and cheques.. and I will send a copy over. I shall if possible upload a preview of my work soon....

Line up people! I just KNOW I'm gonna be super rich soon.. and then I'm gonna buy a house with a view and a Murcielago ... I'll marry someone awesome and divorce them for someone else... I'll have drug problems but everyone will love me! I'll get out of it and write my autobiography... adopt a score of kids and write about that... meet my soulmate and marry him for ever and ever... and kill him because he killed my cat.

You see... you can't prove that murder.. no one saw me... there's no evidence.. it was an accident... heheheheheehehehehee....

Dear Lord there's no end to what I can accomplish now! 

 

Greyscale cotton candies

I woke up this morning to the very welcoming voice of my mother calling out to my kitten and realized that I slept almost blissfully for the entire night. Its so easy to believe that time stops when you stop, and when you hear of things that passed as you slept, all I can think of are the overhanging incidents that can change things forever.

If you have known me even for a while then you would know how uncomfortable I am with change... Honestly I would give anything not to face these days when I have to look out of reality's window. These days make me realize how nomadic my life has been and I wonder if I can ever learn to settle down. The story of my gypsy-like qualities lies behind my love of fables from far and wide...

My first book was a 'Famous Five' that my aunt got for me in a book fair. I remember the occasion because that was the first time I saw so many books together in a single location. Needless to say... I fell irrevocably in love that day. A few months later I could be found in any available cozy little corner of the house reading Jeffery Archer and not understanding the plot.
I soon learned how a dictionary worked and had found a tool that would in time encourage me to love and understand the beauty of words, expressions and language. Nothing could stop me now! I climbed every barrier presented to me and immersed myself completely into plots and built acres of imaginary cities in my head. Shady little alcoves, castles of epic proportions, creatures from beyond our realms and the wonderful world of magic filled my days and nights. I spent most of my childhood with a book in hand... they were all I needed, my playmates forever.

I started writing when I was eleven, a few years after my first novel and I figured I could do it just as well as any of those people and wanted others to read the stories I had to tell.
The thing was... I was never happy with anything I wrote. There were so many flaws in anything I penned that most of the time I just give up on writing anything for weeks together...That right there was the first dent in my dreams. The first time I realized my own insecurities prevented me from pursuing something that was a dream an innocent little seven year old me saw.

And now when I look back I can see how, like dominoes, my dreams of being an archeologist, of studying actuarial sciences, joining NASA as an astrophysicist, studying aeronautical engineering, wanting to be the Prime Minister of India, and signing up for law school, all fell down. The last one was pretty close though... If only my juvenile conviction of "I am not going live in Mumbai because if I do I am gonna die"  was not as strong as it was... I would probably be a lawyer.
You know how when you do something that shuts a door forever you end up making yourself believe that everything was for the best and well... things happen for a reason and all that jazz? Well... the day I submitted my admission form for law school was the day I decided I was never going to join.

A week later I was on my way to Bangalore with two bags that contained everything I would need to survive. It has been nearly four years since that day and I have never felt more lost...
I still believe that things will be all right... I still have a plan though now I know that plans have no meaning till they are cemented and set in place. And like a castle of epic proportions every plan needs work, needs caring for, the foundations need to be strong and the conviction to go through with, unfaltering.
Like I said... I am not a person who likes change. That has been the curse I have had to carry with me for nearly a decade now... But as the year comes to an end, I realize so must my bullheaded concept of wanting to be wandering. I need to change my definition of change and I need to get on with what needs to be done...
And so my quest for change begins...

Drunken crows.

I know it doesn't matter much... but just so the people of the internet know, I think I should legally be allowed to punch people I hate in the face without provocation. x-(

Yeah... I will punch you and choke you to death you slimy selfish maggot!!! Yes you... I know you're checking this post... send me a condescending text and you'll find a dead horse's head in your bed; Oppan Godfather Style bitch!!! And since I'm high and blogging about it... I might as well get someone to write a complicated algorithm on my window, open a discriminatory website and ruin peoples lives!

Peace out. 

To intentions, deceptions and pleasant surprises...

As I sit thinking of the right way to begin,

I realize that this need not be perfection.

Life dishes out the most unexpected things

Definitions really seem to hold no meanings

Silver suns give everything a shimmery glow

As indefinite points of magnificence gesture silently

While your eyes are set soothingly on my back
All I can look at are the dark clouds over me.

It is true that I am probably insincere about what I say

What you don’t understand evades me just as much

Most lines tend to drift on by without meaning

While unsaid thoughts and words are plastered all across.

Just like these clouds, our words are only threats of rain,

But we try to deceive nonetheless.

Minutes and years are only expressions

How do they matter when we expect nothing?

I’m sure you would agree that this will pass

And we would find a way to correct mistakes made,

Meanwhile we should open our hearts and throw the past out,

So sit with me, clear your schedules and gaze at the clouds. 

Confessions and Clowns.

We all wake up every single day hoping that the day will turn out better than most. I know at least I do. There are almost a hundred million things that can go wrong with one's life at any particular moment and the only thing that is, almost always, preventing me from losing my head is that there are at least few people I can count on to ensure that I don't give up and give in. 

But what do you when the people you have always cared for and always supported turn their back on you and start believing that you cannot live up to much? 

Like I said... there are a hundred things that haunt a person; few fears are like Bane, out there, ready to be fought and can be destroyed... but few fears are far more sinister. These fears exist to haunt you even while the sun shines bright and all the flowers in the world seem to bloom for you. I have a very valid fear that I am terrified of ever hearing out loud or even having to think of. It can keep me up all night; wipe any trace of happiness off my heart and leaving me tearing up almost immediately. 

Honestly I am too scared to even put this up because I'm afraid a bunch of immature losers may take advantage of it. But I am going to do it nevertheless because I want to see my fear out there, in flesh and ready to be fought. I have this irrational fear that I may not do much with my life and be stuck forever as a mediocre wife to some guy who will spend her life in the kitchen. That is my biggest fear. 

The last month has been exceptionally difficult as this fear has been nagging me for almost every waking minute. Today has been worse because someone I have always backed has almost candidly voiced this fear out and asked me to prepare myself to that future. But here I am declaring to the ending internet universe that come what may... I will make something of myself. Not because I want to prove something, not because I have to act on my phobias but because I know I am special despite what any self-professed well-wisher may think. 

I have not really thought of any grand way to end this post so all I wish to say is that I also hate clowns, broken bones and enclosed spaces. This is probably why I killed that clown who tried to hug me and hid him in my closet.